30.11.2009.

 

 

This is a story of a first ascent, free solo and onsight, by the Austrian Millet Athlet Gerhard Schaar. It took place in the Indian climbing area Ramanagaram, which is located about 2 hours south of Bangalore in the State of Karnataka. This is a story about a unique experience. Gerhard shares it with is own words and emotions, with photos by David Rigaud.

It is a mere subjective story, that is not extraordinary as far as the difficulty of the climb goes, as I rated it just 5.9 +. But it is one of the most significant moments in my life. To deal with this experience, I need to write something about it . Only by drawing the conclusions of all this, by reliving these moments, the whole undertaking experiences its final purpose, the circle closes entirely for me.

 

I am climbing about 30m off the ground, and there is no moving back. I have just passed the point of no return. I am nervous, because all of a sudden the rock gets loose, I have to rip off some of the flakes I want to use as a handhold, and I push my climbing shoes hard against the small footholds. Some of them fall off too then. It would all be fine, if I had a harness and a rope, if I would be protected, or if I even knew what the last 10 m of the climb would be like.

 

But I know nothing, because I do the free solo onsight first ascent of the line I am on right now. All I know, is that I cease to exist, if I make any mistake now.

 

For a split second, my incredible vibe is gone. When I stood underneath this amazing 40m chimney for the first time, a few days ago, an unstoppable process started. I saw this line, and I knew by then, that I had to free solo onsight this line, which no one had ever done before. I have no explanation what made me jump this wave, but all I can say, is that there was this instant vibe of self confidence, power and inner calmness. All at the same time.

 

The idea of doing the first ascent, without rapping down the line, without checking the rock, get any information what so ever, do it in the most pure way possible, looms above my whole existence. When I eat, sleep, talk to other people. It is always there, never lets me rest, confronts me with the thought what would happen if I just don’t go back. But I already know the answer. I want to know what it is like, to climb up there. I know I can do it! I have to do it. Why ever I stumbled upon this piece of rock, there seem to be no going on in life if I bail out right now.

 

It is incredible how many thoughts can occur in a split second. Or was it longer? Maybe a few minutes? Well, I can’t recall. What I do remember is what the questions were that arose in my mind at that very moment: “Will it hurt when I fall and die?”, “Will my life pass by in super fast motion?”, “What am I doing to my mum?”

 

Call it my dive for survival, an instinct, or a strong psyche. For some reason I fall back into this incredible vibe, do I become aware of my strengths. It is quite funny to realize in that moment that your subconscience starts talking to you. “You know you are up here, because you wanted it! You know that you can do this! Step up! Focus! Just do it!”

 

So I move on, and soon fall into such an intense dialogue with myself. I dive deep into some sort of meditation, which mantra consists of checking the holds, analysing the stability of my body position feeling the friction of the rubber on my shoes. Surprisingly enough there seem to be no space for emotions in that moment.

 

Then all of a sudden the flared cracks pans out, and I realize I have to get to the left, on the final section on a slab. The rock still has loose flakes, which I have to rip of, some footholds slowly crack when I put my weight on them, and I have to climb back. Look for another way just slightly to the side.

Although the quality of the rock is unpredictable now, I know that I have to move, I am running out of power, out of time.

 

Never before in life had I experienced to make a move, knowing it could be my last one. I also have never been in a situation where it was NOT me, who had all the power over my own life. But in this moment I am fully aware of the fact that it is no longer up to me. I move up the last three meters on this slab. If one of the holds would break...

 

 

A few moments later I stand on the top of the cliff. A slight breeze blows through my hair, I notice that the sun is gone and I will have to hike back down in my climbing shoes. The later was not an assessment of my lack of preparations, it was a strange, mere conclusion.

 

I feel nothing. No joy, no ease. I can’t tell for how long I stood there in my emotional vacuum. As I walked back to the base, I felt a warm and pleasant energy coming out of my stomach. With every step it seem to accumulate, as it finally broke loose and swept through my body and mind.

 

What followed is very hard to describe. I felt how the blood got pumped through my body, and with every heartbeat the feeling of being alive was pushed into my mind and soul. The world seemed to be different right then, more intense, the air fresher, the sky vaster, every sensual perception sharper.

For some time I am just in the here and now, with an unknown quality. When I get back to my stuff at the base I take an ice age to put on my shoes, as I want to linger in this warm and pleasant cloud of a feeling, that completely surrounds me.

 

It is my friends who burst that bubble, when they approach me, confessing they were watching and taking pictures in secret. “That was close, wasn’t it?!”

 

My reply is a short “Yes!”. It is just then, when I realize what high a price I accepted to pay for this experience.

 

So was it worth it? Hell yes!

 

Would I do such a thing again? Hell no!

 

 

 

 

 

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More news of Gerhard Schaar at www.gerhardschaar.com.